Ever since Lynn became disabled, I’ve had lots of encouragement to get some help. I know I need help. My muscles hurt from overuse; I get frustrated trying to do everything I need to do. I know that there is a high risk as a caregiver that I will have a shorter lifespan. So why don’t I get some help?
I’ve heard the answer to that question from several of you because you have already struggled to make that decision and encouraged me to do the right thing for Lynn and me. So why don’t I get some help?
Protection – Just like a mother lion protects her cub, and caregivers protect the person we care for. There is usually a connection with the person, emotion, and responsibility. As a spouse, I love Lynn and want his every need to be met to his satisfaction, if possible. As his spouse, I promised to love, honor, and obey in sickness and health, etc., so I also feel responsible. Rationally, I know that promise does not mean I have to provide the care, but there is a commitment and emotional piece that leads me to want to put his needs first before my own. I also know him better than anyone: what he likes, how he likes it, when he likes it, etc. I know that any caregiver we hired would not likely be as attentive to him as I am. Would that person catch signs of distress or illness soon enough to prevent more harm? Lots of “what ifs?”
Selfishness – This is a bazaar, but selfishly, I like being recognized for how well I care for him. Pretty sick, right? I like to hear compliments about how well he’s cared for and to feel appreciation from family members for “my sacrifices.” I also have somewhat of a martyr complex for some sick reason. I find self-worth in sacrificing for others, so I also have some secondary gain in what I do. Plus, I prefer working from home in scrubs rather than putting on makeup and going to work (at least some of the time anyway.)
Financial – This is a big one. Lynn gets basic social security benefits–hardly more than he took home every two weeks–so my salary is the primary salary. I make a good salary for my work, so I’m very blessed in that respect, but I’ve run up a lot of credit card bills buying things to make our lives easier: medicines, supplies, nutritional supplements, equipment, etc. All that stuff is expensive, and I also had children getting married, unemployed and needing help, going to college, etc. All that cost adds up. I don’t have spare money that could cover much in daily care. I know I need to carve out some income in that direction, and over the last year, I’ve managed to pay off some of those bills, but buying the wheelchair-accessible van and saving to build a new house doesn’t leave much to use. Another consideration is that insurance doesn’t pay for home caregiving; plus, I live in a very rural area, so resources are limited.
Lynn’s insecurities – He’s afraid for me to not be here. He knows that I’ve “saved his life” several times by noticing changes in his condition and getting the help he needed sooner than later. He knows I will find ways to make what he needs to happen, and quite frankly, the thought of having a stranger around all the time is not welcome. What do you do with a paid caregiver when Lynn doesn’t need anything now? Do they sit in the room with him and watch TV? That’s like having a guest around all the time, and we’re just not that used to having company.
Then there’s the safety issue: criminal background checks, how well does the caregiver know their job, do they lift safely, and will they be patient and nice or mean and abusive?
So much to consider…It’s not easy to take that step, even when you know it’s something you must do. I’m getting closer, but still not there yet… it’s only a matter of time. Pray I’ll get there and find a way to make it work. Thanks for all the words of encouragement and support. It helps.
