When I began to date after my divorce, my daughter’s mental health condition made having a relationship difficult. I rarely went out because I never knew if she would call me to return home due to an anxiety attack. However, that changed when I met someone sensitive to my situation. He was in no hurry to have a committed relationship, understood the demands of children, and had a child with anxiety. He understood that when she called, it was not a ploy to get away from him but a crisis for her.
During the two years we dated, his support never changed. He was so understanding I wondered if he cared that we could not get together very often. The ease with which he let me cancel dates led me to question his interest in the relationship. When he began discussing a long-term commitment, I feared he would be unprepared for how much time I spent with my daughter. I realized he was never directly exposed to her care needs because he wasn’t around when she needed attention.
Though I had serious reservations, I said yes when Lynn asked me to marry him. I tried to talk him out of getting married and warned him why it would not work. However, he was confident in adapting to my daughter’s attention needs, and we moved forward with our wedding plans.
As I feared, he felt neglected and unloved once we were married. Had our Christian faith not been strong, I don’t think our marriage would have survived due to the interference of caregiving. I constantly felt I had to choose between the two of them. To be honest, I believe she may have enjoyed causing that conflict at times (she was a teenager, after all). We both prayed for God to heal our marriage, and we started counseling. Plus, it helped when my daughter started dating someone who became a substitute for me as a support person.
As my daughter matured and learned to cope better with her condition, our relationship improved. We began to spend more time together, and I was not torn between them as often. It was still tricky but better. She eventually met a new boyfriend, who she married. He was very supportive of her, and I’m proud to say she no longer needs my help. The two of them have learned to work together to deal with her phobia and other medical care needs and are doing fine. Once they began to rely entirely on one another, that freed me to care for Lynn, who had been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.
