The type of employment you have when you become an adult makes all the difference in how you live your life. It dictates when you’re asleep or awake, what you wear, what you’ll be exposed to, the type of people you will encounter, and your standard of living (unless you are independently wealthy or someone else contributes to your income). Though it’s possible to change some of these by changing where you work, the bottom line is that work plays a significant role in our lives. Besides the income we derive from being employed, many jobs also provide benefits, social interaction, a sense of accomplishment, ways to enhance our self-worth through positive contributions, and an identity (while especially true for men, for many (but not all) women, it’s equally true). So there’s a lot of positive to be said for working.
On the other hand, “work” can bring a source of conflict. When you’re employed, your employer counts on you to be present, timely, focused, energetic, accurate, cooperative, cordial, and do your very best on your behalf. If they need you to switch up your hours, they expect you to be able to make any necessary personal adjustments to make that happen. Most employers (though they might not say it) expect your job to come first. Many tell their employees, “Leave your personal life at the door. You should not be thinking about anything else but your job when you’re here.” Though working can be a good thing, being a caregiver and an employee is often in direct conflict. For instance:
Employers expect employees to be at work and on time. That expectation is often difficult, if not impossible, for a caregiver. A caregiver needs to provide the following for themself and dependent before arriving at work: grooming, dressing, toileting, feeding (preparing, feeding, and cleanup), oral hygiene, and preparations for the day—any one of which can lead to a delay beyond their control (clothing that gets soiled after dressing has occurred, toileting that takes twice as long, as usual, food spilling on before-mentioned clothing, emotional breakdowns needing attention, equipment that does not work, etc.) I have to plan to allow three hours for “us” to get ready if I’m going somewhere, and I still find that my being on time can be unpredictable.
Employers expect their employees to be well-rested and energetic. Caregivers often get as much sleep as is available when they finish up one day and start the next. Dah, doesn’t everyone? However, the amount of time to finish a day varies depending on their dependent’s needs on that day. Sometimes, they go to bed when planned; other times, a load of laundry is unexpectedly needed, and they’re up an extra hour or two. Sleep time, for the caregiver, is also interrupted by the need to assist their dependent with comfort and bowel/bladder elimination during the night. Therefore, being well-rested probably means just enough sleep to be functional. The amount of energy they have is directly proportional to the amount of caffeine ingested and still in their system.
Employers need their employees to be focused and provide accurate and competent performance. Being focused on a caregiver is a question of being focused on what? The caregiver always has to be planning to make sure they are ready for the next big event and is required to coordinate all their dependent’s activities and needs, whether in their presence or if receiving assistance from someone else. It is not uncommon that a caregiver would need to call a doctor or therapist while at work to discuss new developments, arrange for equipment or supplies to be repaired and delivered, or talk to the secondary caregiver regarding a question or concern. Caregivers have to have the ability to have split personalities at all times because when at work, they need to be able to address their work duties effectively while at the same time managing the life of their dependent. They have great talent for being focused, but the need to repeatedly switch focuses is where the problem comes in.
Employers want their employees to be cordial and cooperative. Have you ever seen the commercial where the little kid is tugging at his mom’s skirt and saying over and over and over, “Mommy?” “Mommy.” “Mommy.” That’s how caregiving is every day. There is always someone continuously calling for you and often for things that don’t seem critical to you but apparently do seem that way to your dependent. Often, by the time you’re ready to go to work, you want a name change and would even pay to be kidnapped for just a few hours, so someone else would have to be responsible for everything for a while. After leaving the hectic chaos of home, you try, before arriving at work, to adjust your attitude by pushing away the frustrations and/or pressures of the morning. Maybe you partially succeed but despite your best efforts, you arrive a few minutes late. Knowing it’s your third time being late this month, you have to steel yourself to “not see” the dirty looks you get; you put on your armor to fend off the barbs in the lecture you get about being irresponsible; and you stammer out an apology to the customer who wants to complain that “you” deliberately caused them pain and suffering by not being there for them. Knowing what is surely coming makes it difficult at times to push all that into the background like Scarlet O’Hara (“I’ll think about it tomorrow”) and put on a happy face for coworkers, bosses, and customers.
Employers expect their employees to always do their very best while at work putting work first before all other responsibilities. Caregivers are always trying to do their very best for everyone – their boss, their colleagues, their customers, their families, and their dependents. They always try their best until they have nothing left to give, then give a little more. It’s not that they want to do poorly; it’s just that they have nothing left to give. Most people do not come to work planning to do a bad job that day. Most people come wanting to do well—but other things get in the way.
Fortunately, many employers are becoming more sensitive to the challenges faced by caregivers. The Family and Medical Leave Act allows those employees who qualify to take time off from work when needed to assist their immediate family member with a serious health condition. However, it does not provide for pay unless the company has a leave plan available that can be used. It also does not require an accommodation to schedules or relaxation of department rules that allow flexibility to schedule, the opportunity to take care of dependent issues during working hours, or assistance in knowing how to help provide better care and support to their dependent. It doesn’t do anything to change the accusing eyes of coworkers or supervisors who stare at you as if you are a burden and don’t pull your own weight. It does nothing to help the emotional pull of guilt, anger, and frustration over always wanting to do your best, but knowing that your best just isn’t as good as it used to be—for anyone.
There’s not a good solution to this issue with our current laws and economic challenges. Let’s face it: employers really DO need someone who can do all that I’ve mentioned above. They often provide critical services to people like us who count on them to be there. Our lives would be even more frustrating and difficult if there were not people doing their jobs to help us. I’m not suggesting that we just overlook the fact the caregiver isn’t as strong an asset as the non-caregiver much of the time. However, what I do ask is that they realize the caregiver is not the enemy. They don’t want to be late, or absent, or make mistakes, or be less energetic, or smile less. They just want to be able to do their best and keep their jobs and not have to choose between giving care to someone they love who could die without their assistance and doing their job. Having a job is critical to most people. Without it, the loss of pay and benefits could make the difference between living and dying –no exaggeration. I just hope that one day, more employers will understand, show compassion, and really try to see the caregiver as the dedicated person he/she really is.
This article originally appeared on Multiplesclerosis.Net by Health-Union, LLC, and has been reposted with permission.
