I think I can do whatever I set my mind and that my body and abilities will fall in line to ensure it happens. So, I strive to be the best manager, employee, mother, wife, caregiver, and friend. I want to take care of everyone’s needs, solve all their problems, and still have energy afterward to take care of our home and personal affairs. Well, today, I reached my saturation point and had a meltdown…and so did Lynn…
If you follow my blog, you know that I offered to start an online “virtual” support group. The plan was for those interested to call in, and we would have a conference call support group. I announced that I would get it started if there was any interest. I had a few interesting responses so I created a Skype account and ordered a webcam. The only problem was that I didn’t have time to learn how to use them properly. I got everything loaded in advance but hadn’t had time to do a test drive, so I was a little nervous about having the conference call today.
What also didn’t help was that I was up until 2 a.m. after working until midnight on some reports for work and then getting Lynn and me ready for bed. I slept in until 10 a.m., but I still should have had plenty of time to see to the test before 2 p.m. when the call was scheduled.
Only it didn’t work out that way.
Whenever I would sit down to pull up the program, Lynn would need something. Then, just as I was going to lay him down for a nap, my son and his girlfriend came over to see him for Father’s Day. I hadn’t seen either of them in a while, and my son had been out of work for a week due to eye problems, so I wanted to spend time with them. While they were here, I put Lynn to bed for a short rest. Suddenly, I realized it was getting close to conference call time. I put my conversation on hold with my son and went to get Lynn up. Realizing I was most likely going to be late for the call, I sent an email to the other participant (I ended up with only one person interested in attending the conference call) to say I might be running late before going to get him up. Sure enough, I was about 15 minutes late returning to my computer after he finished with all his requests. By then, the other party was not answering the call (I’m sure she had given up by then, and if she’s reading this, I apologize for being so late!)
Since I could not get through on the call, I decided to test the connection and see how well the webcam worked. I called the computer in the back room where Lynn was and tried to talk to him. The audio didn’t work well, and he could not see the video. So I tried to figure out how to make the equipment work properly for about thirty minutes, getting increasingly frustrated as I did because the instruction book was so difficult to figure out. Before long, I was ready to throw the little camera away.
Then Lynn needed me to turn off his camera because the camera stayed on when he closed down Skype. It didn’t have an off button, and I couldn’t find an exit menu for his software. After spending ten minutes pushing more buttons, I finally decided to unplug it.
By that point, I was in tears.
Lynn gets upset When I get upset because he knows I’m overwhelmed with all I have to do. He tries to encourage me, but I only want to cry. So, I do, and I feel better, but that’s hard for him to understand.
Then it’s Lynn’s turn to have a meltdown…
Afterward, I get him settled in his peddler, fix some lunch, dig up some tomato plants that grow naturally near our house and transplant them into a pot on the deck. I come inside and start to cook Lynn’s dinner when I hear something hit the floor hard in the bedroom. Doesn’t sound big enough to be him, but something hit the floor. I take off for his room, and he’s heading my way in an obvious “mood.” He looks like a thundercloud rolling in from the west. (Remember, I left him attached to his peddler, who is not attached now.)
“What’s wrong?” I say. He bellows back, “This !%##$%$% seat cushion is tearing up my @###, and I have to get off it.” Then he adds, as he rolls over some of the things he has knocked onto the floor, “I’m so #$%^ tired of being sick and feeling like %^&*(!” Then as he pushes his way to the bed so I can take him off the chair, he runs into the bed, knocks it off the blocks it sits on, and out rolls the knob to this wheelchair I knocked off earlier in the week and couldn’t find after searching for an hour! I yell at him, he growls, …. and then we fix the disrupted room …and our tension deflates.
It was bound to happen. Being sick for long periods and being confined to being with someone who is sick for long periods takes a serious toll on one’s emotional stability. Our relationship is like a see-saw. If one is down and the other is up, we keep moving forward, and it works. But when both of us are down, we’re not at a standstill; we’re broken. Something has to give to relieve some of the pressure pushing us down. For me, it was torn; for him, it was banging into things and cursing. He needs a punching bag, but he can’t punch, so his chair and his mouth are his only outlets. All that pent-up energy has to go somewhere!
So, right now, we both feel better. We both “blew” in our own way or got our pent-up emotions “wrung out” of us by situations, so we’re stable again….and everything’s good.
P.S.
Back to the conference call. I’ll try it again on July 14 at 2 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. Send me your Skype contact information if you want to be on the call. I have some concerns about whether this is going to work or not. I realized today that Lynn’s needs can’t be put on hold while I talk on the computer, so being able to set aside a particular time might be a challenge. Plus I’m a little concerned he might overhear my comments and I don’t want him to do that…These are just some nagging concerns I’ve been having. Let me know what you think, too, about it–honestly.
Till next week,
Donna
