Unexpected Sadness

Share:

Facebook
Twitter
Pinterest
LinkedIn

Unexpected Sadness

Feelings of sadness hit me unexpectedly today. Since my husband was with me, I worked hard the tears that rose to the surface from his knowledge. I don’t often cry about Lynn having MS. Usually, I guard my emotions, rarely breaking down even during a crisis.  However, I have one trigger that gets me every time – certain songs I used to hear him sing that I particularly enjoyed.

Beautiful Voice

Lynn was blessed with the most beautiful tenor voice you would ever want to hear. In fact, his singing and playing guitar melted my resolve not to remarry. I couldn’t resist that voice and agreed to take a chance on a second marriage.

Reluctant to Remarry

I had been burned badly in my first marriage and tried to delay remarrying as long as possible. Lynn was reluctant too, but he was very romantic in his persuasive ways. I was tough though; I kept close guard of my heart. I kept up my emotional barrier until he wrote a song that he sang to me as part of his marriage proposal.  I love his voice and to hear him sing as he plays his guitar just melts my heart.  

Church Participation

After we married, participation in church activities bonded us as a couple.  Together we joined the adult choir, handbells, dinner theater, and the same Sunday school.  Lynn’s participation with the praise band and mine with the drama team, in addition to the other church groups we attended, kept us busy as a couple. We were often at church 6 out of 7 days a week until his body would no longer allow him to keep up.

Last Solo

The last solo Lynn sang at church was, “I Can Only Imagine,” by Mercy Me. It was the last time he accompanied himself during a performance (he played the drums). Everyone knew he struggled with Multiple Sclerosis, and this was his last performance with the praise band. As he finished his solo, he received a standing ovation. Several members openly cried.  Many still talk about how poignant his last performance was both from the standpoint of how well he performed and the appropriateness of the song’s message.

Feel the Loss

To me, Lynn’s voice represents so much about him. It illustrates his vibrant personality and strength. He used to be the lead singer in several bands in his twenties. Today, as I gave him his morning care, we listened to several ‘70s songs he used to sing with the band. Suddenly, it hit me in the gut.  I could hear him singing those songs, his voice so strong and energetic.  He still sings regularly to exercise his diaphragm, but he doesn’t have the strength to bellow out a strong vocal.  The loss of that ability just shot through me, and I wanted to sit down and have a good cry.

Teared Up

Lynn’s back was to me so he could not see tearing up. I kept blinking until my eyes cleared. He never realized I became upset. It took me a while before the feelings left. I kept chattering about nonsense for a while trying to keep the conversation light to cover up my emotions.  The melancholy still hangs over me to some extent even now.

It Hurts

I’ve accepted the fact that he can no longer do the things lost from nerve damage. I know Lynn can still sing though not as strong as he once could. However, I still grieve the loss of what once was and the memories of how his voice made me feel. It’s a symbol of all the loses we’ve faced…and it hurts.

This article originally appeared on Multiplesclerosis.Net by Health-Union, LLC and has been reposted with permission.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Healthcare to homecare provides information and resources to help new and experienced caregivers take on the role of healthcare provider at home.
Healthcare to homecare provides information and resources to help new and experienced caregivers take on the role of healthcare provider at home.
Caregivers of special needs children face many challenges and overwhelming emotions. Loss of dreams, fear of the future, and much more. They need someone who understands and doesn’t judge; someone who’s been there and gets it.
Caregivers of special needs children face many challenges and overwhelming emotions. Loss of dreams, fear of the future, and much more. They need someone who understands and doesn’t judge; someone who’s been there and gets it.
Scroll to Top