Reflections on Caregiving



Reflections on Caregiving

New Year’s Day often brings a time of reflection and for some, a time for establishing resolutions for change. My life tends not to be stable enough to attempt to create resolutions for change. However, I have been indulging in reflection quite a bit.

I’ve been thinking back over how my role as a caregiver has changed over the years and the impact that it had on my marital relationship and my health. When Lynn and I first married, I knew his father had died of MS complications, but Lynn claimed to have no symptoms himself of the disease.  We know now that he had several early signs of MS that he and his doctor failed to recognize.

The Early Years of Denial

Within five years of our marriage, Lynn periodically saw his doctor for problems requiring physical therapy. When I raised MS, he adamantly denied any possibility assuring me he had discussed it with his physician. He later confessed he had not.

Within ten years, Lynn was stumbling frequently and falling on occasion. I caught him one night testing the difference in reaction time between the movement of the fingers of his right and left hands. That moment was the turning point for me. I went from being the concerned wife (allowing him to live in his world of denial) to becoming the intervening caregiver (pushing my way past his bubble of denial).


After seeing the hand test Lynn performed, I confronted him about my suspicions. He continued to deny MS half-heartedly but agreed to let me attend his medical appointments with him from that point forward.  At his next appointment, which was related to his blood pressure, when his doctor asked him how he was doing, I interjected and said his B/P was fine, but there was another problem needing attention. I explained I could use his help getting a neurosurgery to rule out a disc problem in Lynn’s back. (Lynn would not consider MS but would talk about the problem being related to a slipped disc.)  With the assistance of our Cardiologist, we began officially dealing with MS.

I’ve attended all medical appointments with him from that day.  He saw a neuro specialist, was diagnosed, and I’ve been by his side all the way helping him to adjust to his diagnosis.  I researched all medical information and offered him a layperson’s explanation. He could choose to listen to what I told him or ignore me, but I gave him the details he needed to know.  

Lynn still does not want to read or talk about MS. He prefers to ignore it. Therefore, I do the research and keep the details to myself until he asks.  He eventually asks and talks but just enough to make decisions. He has me talk to all his doctors and communicate all decisions. I manage everything. I feel at times that I live his life instead of mine.

Lives Intertwined

“Two shall become one,” is the goal of marriage stated in the Bible and in our case that could not be truer. There is no independence for either of us. Lynn cannot function without me.  I not only manage all his medical care, but I keep him alive each day. Though he has sensation and slight movement in his muscles, he has no voluntary function in any limbs, or bowel or bladder control. He cannot perform basic hygiene or dress. Shifting his weight, changing positions, scratching an itch, blowing his nose, or swatting a fly is impossible.  He cannot move out of harm’s way relying entirely on his caregiver for safety, health, and comfort. Our lives are grafted together in such a way that each decision that occurs impacts the other person in some manner.

Call XXX-XXXX if Found

Somewhere along the way, I lost myself. It felt like I stopped having my own life and started living his. A tsunami swept me along crashing through my life, and all I could do was try to stay afloat. I survived on five hours of sleep per night, lots of caffeine and pre-prepared food. I felt angry, frustrated, and stressed at the slightest disruption to my routine because any change had significant consequences whether the event was good or bad. 

I felt guilty for feeling this way; thankful for so many people who cared; isolated because I could not be around others who might cause me to bring home illness to Lynn. I was always afraid I would get ill and not be able to care for him or lose my job and not be able to afford to keep up with bills.  Each day I remained hopeful that I could keep up with everything that I needed to do because I had faith in God that kept me strong.  

How did I make it every day? 

The answer to that question is through my faith. I put my trust in God to keep us safe and just kept “doing.” I survive by taking life one day at a time and putting one foot in front of the other. However, the real secret to survival is living one minute at a time…because that’s what caregivers do, everywhere, every day. 

New Normal

The funny thing is that you get used to things over time. Now, sleeping six hours a night seems like I’m getting a full night’s rest as compared to sleeping the five hours like before.  I have much less stress now that I’m not working, but I’m still busy all the time because as a caregiver, there’s always something to do.  I’ve hurt my body a lot over the years from lifting, moving, and sleep deprivation.

I fully expect one day there will be a caregiver syndrome ICD code related to sleeplessness, poor diet and stress. Many caregivers die before the person they care for dies due to the neglect of their health.  It’s becoming a medical problem all of its own.

Happy New Year

I’m learned so much about caregiving over the years. I’ve been through more than I care to relive and have more to learn I’m sure. It’s been hard but worth every moment.  To my fellow caregivers:  Here’s to you and may you have a wonderful New Year ahead. Put your feet up a while when you can.

This article originally appeared on Multiplesclerosis.Net by Health-Union, LLC and has been reposted with permission.

3 thoughts on “Reflections on Caregiving”

  1. A happier New year to you, Donna.I am so thrilled that you were able to retire to get some relief. This blog was particularly hard to digest, one that loves another would be hard pressed to admit these feelings and regret. But you are showing it can and need to be said for them not to fester and then explode to no good place.
    God help us and bless us all in this caregiving journey because someone has to go thru and someone’s got to endure for other caregivers to see hope
    My God, yes it’s hard but thank God when light shines thru to help us to the next moment. God help us to see those streaks of light and embrace them
    My encouragement and light comes when others have watched me struggle to get my husband in the car, for example, and walk over to me and say “what I would give for one more day to push my husband so I can have another moment with him. By the way my husband is a tall handsome sleek 6’5 and me 5 ft 1. He no longer walks has lost use of his right dominant side but God is teaching me how to operate in love AND looongsuffering thru it all. Only He can teach that lesson and we be successful. God help us all!

  2. Thank you, Ernestine, for your words of encouragement. I hope this new year will find you and your husband in a good place building strong memories together, supporting one another, and continuing to love one another as one throughout this new year. God bless you both. Donna

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