I have had a terrible day, and it’s all due to having to get a new modem for my computer. I truly believe computers can be your best friend or your worst nightmare and since about Wednesday, I’ve been frustrated with them up to my eyeballs.
First, on Tuesday, I lost the internet. I HAVE to have the internet because that’s how I connect to work. I called tech support and spent over an hour trying to determine what was wrong. They decided it was my modem and said they would have to send me one. I was really upset. If I can’t work from home, I have to go to work. Who was going to stay with Lynn if I went in? I had to take a vacation day if I didn’t go in. Who wants to take a vacation because their internet is down?
I was on the verge of tears. Lynn insisted he would be fine, and I had to leave him home alone. I didn’t want to, but what other choice did I have? I started getting him ready, getting the items he would need within reach, tidied myself up to go in (I don’t exactly dress professionally at home), and got ready to leave. Fortunately, before I got to the main highway, Lynn called to say the internet was back up. I was so relieved! I turned around and came home (so much for the tech support diagnosis).
Late Wednesday, the modem came in from UPS. Supposedly, it’s faster than I had, so I hooked it up this morning. I’ve been working on the x!@#$%^ thing all day! First, getting my computer set up took over an hour because the activation process wasn’t working. I finally got that settled. I then had internet, but Lynn’s computer didn’t. Tonight, I spent 2 hours on the phone with a guy from India (who was incredibly nice), but Lynn’s computer still doesn’t have an internet connection. It’s connected to my modem, but the internet won’t open. What’s with that? I finally had to get off the phone. I have now hooked up a laptop for him to use, but it’s got such a small keyboard and monitor that I don’t know he can use it.
I share all this because of the effect it had on us. I was so frustrated all day–torn between wanting to help him (so he could work on his book marketing and play music from YouTube) and needing to work or do things around the house. He knew how upset I was, which made him feel like a burden. He had had a good day today. He could do things in physical therapy and later, when he was exercising that he hadn’t been able to do in a while. He was so excited; all I could do was focus on the !@#$%^ computer. My behavior stole his joy. He felt so bad about burdening me that he was nearly in tears this afternoon. Then he recognized it was just Satan trying to steal his joy and undermine his progress so he would give up. This also showed me that Satan was doing the same thing to me, so instead of seeing Lynn’s growth, I would focus on the difficulties. What a shame.
I wish I could say I’ve learned my lesson, but I know myself too well. I can easily get overwhelmed and start to feel sorry for myself, and then I take it out on Lynn, letting him know how frustrated I am that he cannot do more and accusing him of not trying hard enough. He truly tries, but with fatigue, spasms, and just plain ole MS complications, he can only do so much.
Please forgive me for my attitude and self-pity and help me appreciate the improvements and successes. And Lord, please give me an extra measure of peace in my spirit so that the frustrations of trying to work on his computer tomorrow won’t result in the same thing. Amen.
